overanalyzing my mediocre life

I finally found all of my silly poems from when I was younger
I was excited I finally found them and then I actually read them and it made me think more...
I mostly wrote about God.
Loving us and then leaving us.
I went from believing and then to just being scared that I wasn’t worthy and then to being angry.
and in high school the writing mostly turned into talking about boys and me hating me
And that went on and on and on. mean boys. me sucking.
Then I had a kid, and it turned to her and me being angry because I was letting someone else take away from it. but I was never strong enough to change it. and I continued the pattern. Still do.
I hate that I went from figuring out God to being sad about boys. They caused way more hurt than Him.
I hate that I went from adoring my child to being sad about boys.
I’ve had issues with God from the beginning I guess.
I remember thinking God hated me when I was too young and that is not fair.
I guess that is why I turned to trying to figure out something else.
Emma. I like and adore her and I am pretty sure I suck as a mom.
And I am working on, mostly not thinking I suck. mostly b/c I know my heart is in it.
And my heart is in God.
I think I do shitty things and I worry about things that aren’t important. But for now, I know God accepts me. I am pretty sure He always will and what He wants is for me to accept myself.
I finally realize life is just life and I am not going to be perfect, but I do know I have a real Father who loves me no matter what even though I do spend parts of my life on stupid things.
I doubted Him for a long time. I am going to make mistakes and hate me and be sad about stupid things, but I hope I never doubt again and I help my EmCat along the way.

Em using the potty at night. it makes me laugh even though it wakes me up. She is past the point of coming in my room and yelling "mommy, i need to go potty" but something about being woken up to the b/r light coming on, a few moments pass, toilet flushing, the light going off and her bedroom door shutting. it's funny. she also walked into my room at 6:30 AM, it woke me up, and just said "mommy, use the white pillow not the brown pillow" (she always wants the brown pillow; i always get the white pillow- it's in her rule book) and then walked out and got back in her bed. she must have had a bad dream about me using the brown pillow. now she is also making me use the white blanket and she wants to use the brown blanket. love it.

Em decided to have a tea party tonight and she set out napkins and plates, two on her table and one on the other end of the room (as far away as possible from her table). I asked her who was coming and who would sit where. Apparently her and GrandMom were to sit at her table and I was going to sit by myself. I asked her who could sit by me, and she said, "Mommy don't worry there are no monsters" (I am not responsible for the monsters, must be an inherent fear). I thought it was pretty cute.

okay, so no one has said anything at work yet,
but i feel people are looking and talking, and i always feel like i have to explain myself when i leave.
even to other mommy's! they must be doing something better than me
because yes, i do leave before five.

i miss my child
but i realistically don't think i am billing less for the firm if i stayed or billing less than others who do stay.
and i do what people want, as fast as i can juggle this and that, maybe not on their timeline though

and i keep hearing people telling me that isn't worth it to worry about work more than your child
because you will regret it
and i feel selfish for doing it, worrying about work and trying hard to make people happy there while my child screams at me
it would have been a million times easier to stay at work

i've learned from emcat, you can't make anyone happy

maybe people do work until three am, and i don't

and maybe i did this to myself

but realistically,
i am going home so i can pick up my child before she looks like one of those kids who wonders where there mommy/daddy is at.
and honestly, i am going home to something way more difficult than sitting in front of a computer

and i go home and feed and bathe her but am still neglecting
b/c i am still trying to work

and she kicks and screams and yells
and asks and asks for a million things
and throws things, and hits me and even if i stop working she doesn't stop.

although i feel like i might have disappointed someone at work
it never feels the same as disappointing her

no one could ever ask for as many things as she does
and no one screams and throws things at me at work
and it seems like i get a million questions at work, but it is nothing compared to what she questions

you can quit your job
you can't quit this
you wouldn't regret, maybe quitting your job, but this
is something that you have and WANT to do no matter how bad it seems at the time

and maybe i am just trying to make myself feel better b/c i know i am only doing semi-right thing for her. ahhh, but she still wouldn't be happy!

so i am writing this instead of working
no, it isn't that late
but i've been trying to work since i got home and i can't even remember what i was working on!
and i'm so flipping tired.

i am really good at this
not sure if it is a good thing
filling space
with shit

it's weird
or pathetic
but something
definitely something

you find comfort in food
and sometimes when you need comfort
you don't look for it in food
and don't even want to eat or do and just don't
part of the Cinderella complex i guess
when having random people tell you that you look like you've lost weight
it is a better feeling than eating makes you feel
a step up, maybe?

having a complex mind
maybe mine is just simple?
i'm starting to think it's not complex at all
but i just need it to be
maybe i am making this too hard?

i've gotten to this point
where if everything ended (without it affecting em)
if the whole world ended...
the whole sha bang
i'd be okay
b/c i am okay with me
i make mistakes
do really stupid, masochist, negative, angry, pointless things
yeah, i have no idea what other people think of me
but, i still feel like someone, maybe just family and God
accepts and loves me!!
and that feels good
no matter how hard i am on myself
it's a good feel to feel
you can feel like shit all day for what you do and say and think
but fall asleep knowing someone loves and forgives you

there are some things i should have shared
a really long time ago
we don't change, i have always been the same person
and some people get it no matter if i say it
but it would have helped me to let it out
to learn how to deal with it.

so, i cook
but don't actually eat it.

em loves the akon song "right (nah nah nah)"
i like it,
but i hate that people have to always write about love
and it mostly, always hurting

and i am teaching my child to want to be a princess
to be pretty
and then a prince will come and save her
what in the hell am i doing?

I know what my problem is

I know why I want people to like me
I wanted my father to adore me
Not pick me up every weekend and take me somewhere
And go off and hunt, build a barn, fix everyone else’s cars
Taking me to the fucking nursing home on Christmas

Yeah, I know that is my problem
But I don’t know how to fix it
Yeah, I do know I am beautiful
Worth knowing
Worth hanging out with
But I don’t know how to change the thing inside of me
Instead of being happy, but instead
Wanting people to like me
Instead of just liking myself

Ohio state is overrated
And they suck
Maybe Alabama does too after the loss to Utah
But no one seems to doubt Ohio state

I miss things
But at the same time know that ‘things’ don’t matter
How do I not “miss” anymore?

I just wish I could feel better
That I would be okay doing everything
Almost all the time (I expect to hurt and cry)
but most of the time I would rather not

I am just so tired of being sleepy
And knowing why I am unhappy
And wanting to stop
But not being able to

I am convinced I want to be alone
To watch whatever
Talk when I want
Eat when I want
Sleep when I want…

You know what else I do realize?
Yeah, I didn’t do everything right with my dad
I said things that should not have been said
and attacked with it
I am the child
And he should just love me
For God’s sake, I went to a fucking nursing home every Christmas night
And I still think about it
And he doesn’t think about me
And I don’t really care that he doesn't
But I know it shapes who I am
And why I want
And why I cry
What I am trying to forget
I know I am not in the wrong
But this I want to forget
Just be happy

I remember when I met Emma
I finally got the whole crying for joy thing
when i heard her cry
I adored it
And I always will
And I get pissed off
Yell
Cry
But would give my life for hers
And do anything to keep hers

I can’t imagine letting my own child down
And not hating, admitting, and fixing it


I pray every night I won’t just realize I’m blessed
But learn how to appreciate it.

so i don't know how to make it better.
i don't know how to make me say everything i want to
or make me not think i missed something i should have said
when it is too late.

the love i feel for my mother,
is the closest i can get in this life
to how God feels about me

I can't express it, but i think she knows
I hope so anyways

it's i something i am worried about.

when she is gone.

i am going to miss her
and there is nothing i can say now to be content with her being gone
and feeling okay with it
absolutely nothing...

the things we do to our mothers...
it's amazing the awful things we think about them for many years of our lives...
they never let us do what we wanted to, right?
and when they told us what was wrong would hurt us
hating that she was saying what she thought.

and that is what i regret...
there is nothing i can say to make that better.

i still get annoyed
i still dread to hear when she tells me what i am doing is wrong.

having a child of my own has helped me realize
how much it is going to hurt to have her THINK she hates me
probably for what seems like an eternity
but i know she doesn't
and i don't like thinking about her obsessing over the fact that she tried to hurt me
and hate that she will never get over saying it..
from experience i know she won't

when mine is gone
i want to be able to know she is there
and know she really does know how i truly feel about her
and i can still cry and talk to her
and know she is listening



i adore my mother

emma wants to sleep in mommy's bed tonight.
it isn't going to happen.

this kid has driven me crazy today.
literally.
she just doesn't shut up.
and it's cute. and if i had patience it would make it easier, but i don't...

mommy, no applesauce
mommy, i want pickles please
mommy, i want juice
no, milk
mommy
mommy
mommy
no mommy
stop mommy
mommy
i want to go outside
mommy, where is my kitty
where is my baby
cheers mommy
mommy cheers
cheers
cheers
mommy, i want to watch "yardigans"
mommy, i want to watch "yardigans"
"yardigans"
"yardigans"
mommy, i want that one,
where's my baby
where's my kitty
mommy it hurts
mommy hurt me
grandmom (who is in another state) hurt me
mommy, kitty hurt me
go away kitty
baby hurt me
i want my princess shirt
mommy, i'm sorry
i spilled it
go get my juice
mommy, got get it
go get it
go get it mommy

this all happens within a one minute time span.
seriously

and what do is say?
no emma
i'm sorry baby
stop emma
no....etc, etc, etc...

i wonder if i actually listened to her in the car when she told me to go "is (this) way" where we would end up?
maybe at a radiohead concert.

i don't know how to feel about people right now...
a "friend" on facebook had her status as "my husband got it right when he said he hasn't been this scared for our country since 9/11"
really?
you let a Yale frat boy lead the country for 8 years
that isn't scary?
it actually made me nauseous on several occasions to think about how many frat boys i had gone to school with
and they could be president? shit.

it is amazing how we can make everything into a drama filled soap opera...
what else would make life interesting?

I guess she got all the forwards saying obama was a terrorist, muslim, baby-killer, just an all around american hater
and actually believed them.
i guess thats easy.

more importantly than the election...
traffic sucked today
and the market sucked even worse (of course, we all know that is Obama's fault- damn democrats)
which means i am paying more money in gas b/c of the traffic AND getting a shitty raise. what a difference a day can make!
it will all be worth it if Alabama wins on Saturday.

And yes, my grammar sucks
And I misspell numerous words
(thanks spell check for making me not look nearly as stupid as I would without you)

and so I feel it
and it’s okay

I will not look at this tomorrow
And try to change the way I feel right now

Emma knows Toby now
She asked what his name was
I told her
And she asked if he was going to sleep with mommy
Not so much Miss Tallulah though.
She doesn’t want to be known right now I don’t guess
Such a bitch
But I get her though and I like her for it…


I feel like God should set some rules
To have children
You should already know how to be happy with yourself.

But no.
He is making me learn how to deal with me
AND make her happy
And not be like me
Or at least make her figure it out earlier
who she is

That sucks.

I am okay with crying
I really am
And it does make me feel better

If I can learn how to not do it at work

And for the wrong people

Or for situations that I shouldn’t even think about

And never should have been “in”, in the first place

My dsl isn’t working yet

But it has until 12 tonight.
I would hate to have to call and argue about it with someone tomorrow, but
I am okay with waking up.

Shit, I need something deeper

I am okay with no one getting it?

Most people suck anyway
And I mean that in the most positive way possible

And God is okay with that, right?

And I am still editing
My thoughts
It sucks to be someone who needs to not be the only one who understands

and it is, the way you said it would be

the way it was before, i even knew you existed
maybe the way it should have been all along

so we all fall for something,
into something we never should have stepped close to,
and we fall out of it a little slower...
much slower

and you wonder what was there
what feelings you felt were wrong all along
or if they even existed
and how you never saw what everyone else seemed to see

but what i believed wasn't there
b/c i never actually saw it.

someone had to care, right?
for it to keep going.
for what seemed like a miserably long amount of time.

people hurt
if they are capable
people lie
maybe some do both

and for some reason it seems like looking past
all of the negatives is the best thing to do

and then one day
one of the hardest days to cope with
you wake up and realize
that was by far the worst thing to do


emma wants to paint
it's 10 at night and i want to go to sleep
maybe i am doing her injustice
being selfish
trying to figure it all out
what is going on in my mind
when all of this seems to matter to me
even though i know
there is nothing there to matter,
in the long run
when the long run seemed to be was i was in it for...
we both forget the breeze...

i am done pretending not to see things
just to have hope
because there isn't anything there.
when will i start listening to my mother?

I get the feeling that
You’re not that into me
I get the feeling that
You can’t see what I see
I give I care I cry I care
But I get the feeling that
You’re not that into me

I get the feeling that
I can see your soul…
It “seems” empty and shallow…
NOT what I wanted at all.

I think I try I give…

I get the feeling that
You don’t know how to care.
I live this life with no one here...
What’s good for her and me you cannot see…

I get the feeling that
I’m lost for now…
For a minute though I thought I wasn’t alone…The bullshit haze is gone…

I get the feeling that.
I’ve lost my purpose
I get the feeling that…my thoughts are a curse….
I’m getting the feeling that
I’m not that into you. ..
Wow, I thought you cared
I’m not that into you…Your Face your Hair…You love my Em
(that’s bullshit there)
I get the feeling that
You’re not that into me
I get the feeling that
You can’t see my soul
You lie you laugh and you feel nothing
I get the feeling that
This wasn’t supposed to be
That I and you and her
Weren’t a mix that someone should ever see

And maybe it was Faith who led me away.
Maybe it was her church that brought me here moaning.

I will write the date on the top of every page.
and damnit i will dot every i and cross every t without being SAVED

but people
they're missing much more than their souls.
they're missing a reason to keeping living and leaving and going.

they're sucking me into a pointless existence
they're making me realize there's no point in living
and i should just fold

"Release these demons" who control my being.
Release these thoughts that keep me feeling

I cry and I laugh in a world all alone
I'm mad and I scream for no one
who hears me?
I'm looking for something that is not there.
I'm looking for substance in those who don't care.

I see where I should be but don't know how to get there.

I want to be something that no one is seeing

Release me and maybe I'll wither and die
I'm tired of crying but can't say goodbye
to the souls who know me
their Faith in me keeps me alive
but I sit here alone wondering why?

40 hours or more on a job...
then comes the Review.

you get to point out their flaws, weaknesses, shortcomings (to some)...
make it a little harder for them to move up in the
rat race.

I want to decide your fate...


I've gotten a lot of grief
just because someone saw me for 40 hours
and now I am it.

they must get it


overly sensitive
negative
angry at the world
bad attitude

in just 40 hours

impressive

that IS who i am...
yes, when i have nothing else to say
(i don't know you)

i do complain
i am a bit negative

the weather sucks
the commute sucks
and who in the hell does he think...

it's just small talk


but i do admit.
in your shallow review of me
you pinpointed it

i do get "overly" sad

when i see a dead animal in the road
when someone doesn't get the sandwich they ordered
when a baby cries because no one knows what she wants
when someone doesn't appreciate me, my work
Yes, much makes me sad. And I am not sorry for it.

I've been told
that sensitivity is a virtue
too much though is a plague
not a good thing to have in this world i am living in

yes sir, thank you sir

I do think too much

I worry
(and it sucks)

I cry

And I really should change, because being this person isn’t easy.

Unfortunately though,
It is who I am

I am alright with being what my soul has chosen to be
I accept me with these “weaknesses” you’ve pointed out

Maybe I won’t move up

But in God’s eyes??

I have better things to fix
And He accepts me for what you don’t understand
And what my soul has chosen


I’m alright with not getting ahead
With not getting “gotten” (that’s not what we are in this business to do anyway…)

My weakness
May be my only redeeming quality