overanalyzing my mediocre life

10.02.2009

God is great, God is good

I finally found all of my silly poems from when I was younger
I was excited I finally found them and then I actually read them and it made me think more...
I mostly wrote about God.
Loving us and then leaving us.
I went from believing and then to just being scared that I wasn’t worthy and then to being angry.
and in high school the writing mostly turned into talking about boys and me hating me
And that went on and on and on. mean boys. me sucking.
Then I had a kid, and it turned to her and me being angry because I was letting someone else take away from it. but I was never strong enough to change it. and I continued the pattern. Still do.
I hate that I went from figuring out God to being sad about boys. They caused way more hurt than Him.
I hate that I went from adoring my child to being sad about boys.
I’ve had issues with God from the beginning I guess.
I remember thinking God hated me when I was too young and that is not fair.
I guess that is why I turned to trying to figure out something else.
Emma. I like and adore her and I am pretty sure I suck as a mom.
And I am working on, mostly not thinking I suck. mostly b/c I know my heart is in it.
And my heart is in God.
I think I do shitty things and I worry about things that aren’t important. But for now, I know God accepts me. I am pretty sure He always will and what He wants is for me to accept myself.
I finally realize life is just life and I am not going to be perfect, but I do know I have a real Father who loves me no matter what even though I do spend parts of my life on stupid things.
I doubted Him for a long time. I am going to make mistakes and hate me and be sad about stupid things, but I hope I never doubt again and I help my EmCat along the way.
RebeccaLeigh, 10:16 PM 4 comments

4 Comments:

I love you Rebecca! And He loves you know matter what!
Blogger JZ, at 10:55 AM  
He loves you forever and unconditionally at every moment of your life. He is always there for you!


"My flesh and my heart may fail, 
but God is the strength of my heart 
and my portion forever" psalms
Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:22 AM  
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

Pray. Be persistent when you pray. His grace is sufficient for you. He will answer your prayers in His time.
Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:17 PM  
My favorite verse of all time is a verse that I used to rehearse to myself all during college:

Jeremiah 29:11 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart".

I just always think that he is right there waiting for us. He will be there to meet all of our needs - we just have to look for him.

Love you!
Blogger Gloria, at 3:41 PM  

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"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation"-O.Wilde



my peeps


favorite quotes

  • "The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves." -Mark Twain

    Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat.-Bukowski

  • Having a bunch of cats around is good. If youre feeling bad, you just look at the cats, you'll feel better, because they know that everything is, just as it is. There's nothing to get excited about. They just know. They're saviors. The more cats you have, the longer you live.-Bukowski


  • "I have a very modulated way of dealing with my anger. I have always tried to understand the other person and invariably I've discovered that somebody who rubs you the wrong way has been rubbed the wrong way many times."- Mr. Rogers


  • "Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them." -Dr.Seuss

  • "It's good to be just plain happy, it's a little better to know that you're happy; but to understand that you're happy and to know why and how and still be happy, be happy in the being and the knowing, well that is beyond happiness, that is bliss."-Henry Miller

previous thoughts

I don't know why i think this is cute
em
the difference between work and more work
space filler; yep, still doing it
and i know
mommy, i love you
what if
holy moly, roly poly
no editing
well, damn

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